Jonah: from the Perspective of Animals

A friend of mine did a paper for his minor prophets course at uni. This one is a paraphrase of the book Jonah, from the animals' point of view. I found it pretty hilarious. Hope you'll enjoy it too. This is only Part One though. There are two more animals, but it's very very long if I put the whole thing up.

Jonah: A Paraphrase From The Perspective Of Several Animals

by Jonathan Jong

Chapter 1: The Fish.
"...the Lord provided a large fish..."
Jonah 1:17 (NRSV)

It was a dark and stormy night on the surface of the Mediterranean, in the deep of which I live. On an ordinary night, the goings-on on the surface would be no concern of mine but this was not to be an ordinary night. In Davy Jones's Locker I was resting when I heard a Voice.
"I am the Lord your God," said the Voice, "Who has made you for such a time as this." Needless to say, I was rather taken aback at this. I had never heard voices before. Was living in the deep, dark ocean finally getting to me? Hoping that I wasn't schizophrenic, I decided to reply.
"It's remarkable that you can find a fish as small as I in a sea as vast as this," I said.
"Well," said the Lord, "You're rather chubby for a sardine."
"I resent that," I retorted. I thought I heard Him chuckle.
"Anyway," said the Lord, "Could I ask a favour of you?"
"Shoot," I said.
"I need you to devour somebody," said the Lord. I hesitated.
"But don't you think I'm a bit small for such a big job?" I asked.
"Don't worry my chubby Fish," said the Lord, "I shall make you grow."
"Right..." I said, "One more problem: I'm a vegetarian. And man-flesh isn't exactly kosher. I have never eaten anything impure or unclean."
"Do not call anything impure that God has made clean," said the Lord, referring to Himself in the third person.
"You're one smart cookie, boss," I admitted, "Let's get this over with then."
"Brace yourself, Fish. For you shall be greater than the mighty Leviathan!" declared the Lord. Lo and behold, I grew exponentially and within moments I was humungous; bigger than any fish or whale I'd ever seen before.
"Come," said the Lord, finally, "Let me show you your dinner."
"Sure thing, boss," I said.

On the surface, the storm raged with unabated fury. A single ship was tossed like a salad by the violent winds. It appeared pathetically small vis-à-vis the rolling waves that crashed around it. The air reverberated with the din of thunder. Frequent streaks of malicious electricity illuminated the otherwise dark sky. It was an ominous night indeed on the Mediterranean. Knowingly, I carefully swam towards the ship.

"How can you sleep?" demanded a sailor, dragging a man out from below the deck, "Call on your god like the rest of us!" The sleepy man, clad in pyjamas merely fell to the group in silence. Some of the crew members were on their knees appealing to a pantheon of local deities. Others were busy flinging cargo into the sea, to lighten the ship's load. Pollution, I thought. One day humanity would regret polluting their planet.
"Our prayers aren't working and neither is throwing stuff overboard," one of the sailors observed, "Let's cast lots to see who among us is responsible for this must be a punishment from the gods!" As sailors were among the most superstitious of folk, they abandoned their work and cast lots.
"Jonah, son of Amittai!" they cried as the lot fell on the man in pyjamas. He hung his head in despair.
"I am a Hebrew," he solemnly said, "I worship the Lord, the God of Heaven who created both sea and land. And as you know, I am running away from Him. Indeed, I must be the cause of this calamity."
"What have you done!" they asked rhetorically, "We should've known better than to help you escape from your god!"
"What are we to do?" asked one of the sailors.
"Throw me overboard and leave me to my God," suggested Jonah.
"And if you die? Will not your god who desires your service be angered further?" remarked the sailor. The crew saw much sense in this and summarily rejected Jonah's advice. They began rowing harder, hoping somehow to get to shore. The storm grew steadily worse and soon, they realised that all resistance was futile.
"O Lord," they cried, "Do not hold us responsible for this man's life!" They then grabbed hold of Jonah and unceremoniously flung him into the sea.

The moment he hit the water, the storm ceased. Immediately the violent winds became a gentle breeze and the crashing waves became lazy ripples. The sailors' eyes looked as if they were about to jump out of their sockets. They stared in gaping amazement at the suddenly serene weather. As soon as they recovered from the shock, they fell to the floor and worshipped the Lord and even made Him offerings.

"Go," said the Lord, "Devour Jonah whole, but do not hurt him."
"Roger that," I said before I dove to the quickly sinking Jonah and swallowed him whole. Little did I realise the indigestion into which I was getting myself.

For three days and three nights, I endured Jonah in my gut. It was alright for the first few hours, but then he woke up. I could feel him groping around my stomach, trying to figure out where on Earth he was. Somewhere along the line, I think he realised that he was in a stomach. That's when he screamed. It sure jostled me some! He then began thumping at the wall of my stomach, causing me great discomfort. Not that I blame him. I would have done the same in his place. It can't have been very comfortable in there with my stomach contents swishing around and my last meal of seaweed entangling him. After hours of protest and hysteria, Jonah went quiet. The rumblings in my stomach then dropped to slight murmurs. It seemed that he was praying. It went on like that, scarcely stopping, for the next two days or so.

"Fish," said the Lord, "Jonah's repented. Swim to shore and let him out."
"I was hoping you'd say that. He's driving me insane," I replied. Swiftly, I swam towards the nearest shore and heaved my stomach's contents out onto the beach. Out came Jonah, with gallons of digestive juices and heaps of partially digested seaweed. I felt disturbingly bulimic.
"Thanks Fish," said the Lord, "Would you like me to bring you back to normal size?"
"I was actually thinking," I began, hesitantly, "Could I maybe stay like this? I won't ever have to worry about predators again."
"Sure," chuckled the Lord, "But don't get into any mischief. With great power comes great responsibility." That sounded hauntingly familiar. Anyway, with that, I swam back to my seabed for a nap.

I wonder what happened to that Jonah...

Christmas Celebration Presentation

The Gift Of Christmas
Worshipping The Gift and The Giver

Venue: Klang Parade, Jalan Meru
Date : 18 December 2005
Time: Sunday@ 8.00PM

So mark your calenders now!! and be bless!! on this very day. A choir presentation presented by Klang Baptist Church. Speaks about the very special Gift that we Recieve on Christmas Day!!


The Gift Which is Jesus Christ!!Was born.
So Come and Recieve the Gift and and the Giver!

#3 topics by the Frizzers

Mary-Ruth here, but Pris is around, staying over. We were browsing through the youth blog just now and decided it was super dead. So we're going to try and liven it up a little.

We will be talking on a few topics.

Topic #1 Today's Sunday lunch

Pris: My bro made beggar's chicken..At least that's what I think it's called...oh btw I didn't help make it.
M-R: Oh yeah my mom made fried wanton. And it was tough and cold 'cos she couldn't warm it up. Thankfully there were no leftovers, 'cos she threatened to feed me on fried wanton for the next few days if there were any.
Pris: I took this fried speghetti, which I thought was nice the first time round.. then when I took it the second round, and it em.. didn't taste so nice anymore. I'm sure it's the food, it's my tongue...
M-R: And not forgetting it was Kien Meng (who btw is Sam) punye hari jadi. He turns 18 today. Oh and Jennifer (not Furry, the Tan one)'s birthday as well.. Ok, but I think this topic is getting boring.. We'll move on to more entertaining stuff, that I assure you. Heh heh, it's mainly about hair..

Topic #2 Priscilla to the members of ACDC (guitar skills not included)




Ok, this is what Priscilla looks like on a normal day, without hair cream or any styling.







Introducing the band ACDC. I know they are ang-moh and all that. You see, I'm not too well-versed with the Malay rock bands around here. So I didn't know how to search for their pictures online.

Anyway, I'm sure you agree that Priscilla and the members of ACDC all go to the same hair saloonist. And probably use the same brand of Wella hair cream.





And this is here is Priscilla in a mock guitar-rocking pose. Pretty cool, eh?








I'm sure as well, that you'll agree Priscilla and the guitarist of ACDC below took lessons from the same poser-teacher.















Right, the next topic will be by Priscilla


Topic #3 Mary-Ruth resemblance to Albert Einstein (looks only, brain not included)



This is Mary-Ruth's hair- all big and frizzy, without the bondage of a big big scrunchy.
It's no new introduction to everyone though.








This is Albert Einstein.
Well, looks like his highly intellectual brain has done something to his tongue muscles that it has flopped out of the mouth.
We would pray for him if he were still alive.








This is Mary-Ruth trying to imitate. Unfortunately, her brain power is no where near Einstein's, therefore her tongue muscles are still intact.

So, we should pray for her, that she'll realize the lack of the intellactuality can cause someone's tongue to be disorientated (clearly shown in this picture)



Topic #4 What a difference a scrunchy makes

No Scrunchies
















With Scrunchies:
















All images are taken with a Logitech webcamera, which explains the poor resolution.

If you are taken aback with the scrunchies, you can get a normal one for rm2 (which would hold Priscilla's hair). If your hair is as big and as frizzy as Mary-Ruth's, the extra gathers and cloth and stitches for the scrunchy would bring it up to rm4.50.

For multi-coloured scrunchies or shiny sequined ones, please contact Priscilla or Mary-Ruth for more information.

Thank you for your cooperation. =)

Hope you had a good laugh.

Go liven up this blog somemore LAH.

Goodnight,
Pris & M-R